Sunday, July 24, 2011

Waiting for the Sun

Down at 2:00 am up at 4:45 am...again. Ah, nothing like a good, restful night's sleep. Oh dear reader, (How stupid do I feel writing that as no one is reading this?) the sun will rise in roughly one hour and I will begin staring out of the window which will only be interrupted by brief sojourns into the dawn to have a smoke or three. My increased smoking, a solid pack and a half a day, is another habit directly connected to my depression. I find that the process of breathing in and exhaling smoke is rather meditative if not all together calming. A more troubling incarnation of this most recent episode and also all together calming is the simple act of siting with my eyes shut. I can do this for hours at a time. It seems to serve as an off button of sorts that I can't fully explain. Perhaps the world behind my eyelids is one of my own creation and therefore not so damn depressing as is the one I inhabit. Who knows. Nor do I really care. It works so I do it.

My constant head cold, which I've taken the time to name Jim, is more pronounced then it has been in many days. The delightful yellow snot and crushing pressure has returned. Another treat of long term depression is the weakened immune system. If a bug is flitting about I will most surely catch it. Yes, yes I know my heavy smoking and poor diet are of no help to my poor immune system but these too are symptoms of my depression. My appetite is poor and when I do eat junk is far easier than cooking which takes time and a willingness to actually do.

I have bored you too much my dear reader. Also and more honestly, writing of smoking has called up the urge to puff and who am I to turn my back on something that I enjoy.

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