Saturday, July 23, 2011
And the Long Night Creeps
Dear reader the night is upon us once more. For me this will mean several hours of staring at nothing followed by a fitful few hours of sleep. I'm sure I will revisit and revisit and revisit the same inane questions that have plagued me these many months. One such query will be one of major depression or ECT. Have I seemingly lost my sense of humor because of this most recent onslaught of depression or have I been somehow permanently altered by the 20 rounds of ECT that I underwent in January and February? How many tosses and turns will I devote tonight to the loss of my desire, my passion, my drive? Depressive symptoms or forever lost to ECT? Will I awake in the wee hours of the morning having only slept for perhaps two hours lamenting the fact that my life is fairly empty or will I awake to the silence and be grateful that I enjoy my isolation or at least have convinced myself of as much. Will I wake up again drenched in sweat because I've had another unpleasant dream? What, dear reader, will wake me tonight? There are so many choices yet they all feel so rote and trite. There is but one certainty, I will spend this night, like all nights, on the couch. For my depression has me convinced that I am unworthy of my bed. Sleep well reader, sleep well.