Saturday, August 13, 2011

I Have Nothing Left to Fear

My first week back on the job was far more successful then I could have ever hoped for. I find, that unlike last yer, I am looking forward to the start of the new school year. I haven't any feelings of dread or anxiety. Rather, I'm filled with anticipation like I have not felt since my first year of teaching. I also received my first pay check in nearly a year. I do believe my wife was more excited than I was. Really, who can blame her with all she has done for me over the past year. That check, a simple slip of paper, gave me a feeling of pride that I haven't felt in a very long time. In short, dear reader, the week was a great one. To conclude, I realized that with all of the horrors I've experienced over the past year and survived there is truly nothing left for me to fear.  

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

There it Goes Again

Disappointment, dear reader, is a terrible thing especially when you put so much emotion into that which ends up leading to your disappointment. It is best to keep one's hopes to one's self until such a time arises that one can see those hopes to fruition. Don't ask and you won't be let down. Never ask for something that you truly want. Rather,get what you really want and don't wait on others to get it for you. More often than not, it seems, people are far better at letting you down then one would think. Is it such a terrible thing to want? To muster up the courage to ask for something? Is this too a sin? It would seem so dear reader, it would seem so.

Day Two

Yesterday went far better than I could have hoped for. Today is a question mark thus far. That I've been awake since 2:45 am does not bode well for the long day ahead. Still, I'm trying to view the changes in my teaching schedule as not nerve racking and burdensome. Rather, I must view them as exciting new challenges and opportunities. If the new program lives up to its advanced billing and can produce the dramatic changes it claims I may finally be able to see the results that I've always expected to see as a teacher. I teach because I wish to improve the lives of my students and therefore improve my community as well. I may now be able to do just that. Now, dear reader, we need only make through the next13 hours or so and we can deem this day a success as well. 

Monday, August 8, 2011

One day down

I made it dear reader. I made it.

Into the Breach

I'm to return to work today. I awoke at 5:00 in a panic, my breathing was rapid and I was quickly heading for a panic attack. The I began to think about the true reason I left work those 11 months ago. It wasn't the anxiety or mild agoraphobia that forced me out. Rather, it was the depression. I told myself this a few times and began to feel better. The depression has lifted significantly and only my administrators know why I left. If it wasn't the anxiety then I have no reason to feel anxious this morning. I must view today as a fresh start. I must relinquish my memories of these 11 months to the past and look only towards the future. I am truly the only one standing between myself and a successful return. In honor of great cliches, dear reader, I say today is certainly the first day of the rest of my life.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

A Day of Reckoning

Tomorrow I return to work for the first time in 11 long, dreadful months. While I've come a long way in 11 months I'm not entirely confident that I've come far enough to make my return a successful one. Still, I must tell myself that I'll be fine that the depression has indeed lessened to such a degree as to make working possible. I must tell myself this and it must be true as the alternative is unthinkable. I thought that I would most certainly be filled with an unchecked sense of dread today, but that hasn't been the case. While I have been very tired due to a lack of sleep tired is all I've been. My clothes are out my bag is prepared and the coffee is pre-made. I know that the coming days will be difficult to say the least but they could very well be rewarding too. What a boost to my confidence it will be if I make it through the week without incident. I may even gain enough confidence so that the return of students the following week may not be as detrimental as I once believed it to be. Truly dear reader my return may easily go either way. We will simply wait and see.

How Quickly it Slips Away

Ugg dear reader. It is but 2:30 am and I'm awake for the second night in a row. It's rather a shame. I was having such a good run...since my family's return I have not slept in my own bed. It seems my feelings of worthlessness still linger. Surely the connection between lack of bed and lack of sleep is there as I slept fairly well when I was in my own bed. I must sleep in my bed. I return to work tomorrow and must have more than three hours of sleep if  I am to ave any chance of making my return a success. I'm exhausted when I don't sleep yes but there are more troubling aspects as well. My attitude suffers which in turn  means my interactions with my family suffers as well. I have tremendous bags under my eyes. I find that I'm congested and that my face brakes out in this interminable adult acne. I have a lingering headache and the strongest urge to simply sleep my day away. So you see, dear reader, depression impacts far more than the mind alone.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


And so it begins, dear reader, in earnest. Yesterday I wrote of my recent change in attitude and how said change seems to be signaling a shift in my depression for the positive. I have noticed another hint that things may be turning for the better. There exists a strange quirk that I've experienced with each depressive episode. As I begin to come out of the depression I have the strangest urge to stretch as much as I possibly can. As I stretch an all to subtle vibration begins at the top of my head and courses through the whole of my body. It is not unpleasant, in fact, the opposite is true. It is a wonderful feeling. It is not the vibration in and of itself that I enjoy. Rather, I smile along with the vibrations because of what they represent. It is as if my body has been in the longest of harsh winters and the stretching is akin to the first blooms of spring fighting to break through the hardened winter soil. The vibrations then signal the reawakening of both body and mind. Could it be, dear reader, that the desire to die is truly gone and is being replaced, yet again, with the desire to live, to embrace the world once more? Let us dare to believe that such is the case. Let us believe indeed.  

Friday, August 5, 2011

Really back...really?

The fam returned yesterday around 1:00. I was so very glad to see them. My son returns with a stomach bug which I'm sure must be horrible when you're two and can't really rationalize what's happening. Yesterday I awoke with a sore back that I simply attributed to poor sleeping position. However, the pain increased as the day progressed and by evening I could barely move. This morning, more of the same. It will not be pleasant keeping up with a two year old with a bad back.  My wife will be conducting an inventory the next three days so it'll be just me and my boy. I fear I may need to take him to the doctor which will most certainly be an anxiety spiking endeavor. As I wrote yesterday, just being alone with him for such a long period of time causes enough anxiety to last a week. I need not tell you how the anxiety will flow when you couple such alone time with his sick belly. It will be interesting nevertheless. Still, I'm telling myself that my attitude must be as positive as possible. Doing so will only make for a better day. Do you see dear reader? Can you see the trend in my recent posts? Can you tell that they're becoming more positive? This, dear reader, is a good, good sign that the depression is beginning to loosen it's death grip around my neck.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Return of the Family

My wife and son are returning today from their little beach vacation. I'll be very happy to see them. Seeing them always makes me happy. However, and it saddens me to say this, I'll be alone with my son for to days. It saddens me because I love him so much yet my depression and anxiety always fill me with dread when I know it will just be the two of us for an extended period of time. My anxiety tells me that something will occur which I'll be incapable of handling. While my depression tells me that I simply won't be able to deal with eight hours of just the two of us. Still, that is tomorrow. Today I must focus on their return and the happiness that will bring me. While one day at a time is a bit cliche it is very hard to do in actuality. Yet we must try dear reader. Mustn't we?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Come Back Little Bird

My little bird, my new guitar, the '57 Silvertone will be with the luthier until next Wednesday. I'm having the neck reset and having new strings put on. I hate to be without it for a week but it is what is necessary to keep it nice and healthy. I just got it and already its gone. Such sweet sadness, dear reader, such sweet sadness.

So Early...

It's still fairly early and I can't seem to think of what else to do. I finished cutting the grass at 8:00. I've run all of the errands I could think of and now I'm left alone with my thoughts. I decided to stay busy so I wouldn't focus on my misery and now I find that if I'm not doing something my level of anxiety is higher. What's a boy to do dear reader, what's a boy to do? Perhaps I should try to go back to sleep.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

What to do With Rest of the Day's Afternoons?

Met with my therapist today and it was very productive. However, I fear that it may be our last meeting. I'll begin working next week and I'm not sure that with mine and my wife's schedules I'll be able to find a time that will work. It would be such a shame. I have really made some great progress with Tuten. Perhaps it's that she and I are the same age. Perhaps she's just good at what she does while all the others have not been. It may be a combination of her skills and my efforts, which have been, if I may say so, great. I've really tried to sincerely do all that has been asked of me. I don't want to think that I may be losing her when I need her the most as I transition back to work. What is one to do, dear reader, what is one to do?


In a mere six days I will make my return to work. I have done the following to prepare myself: Haircut, Clothes dry cleaned, new shoulder bag purchased, new white and black tees purchased. In short, I'm superficially prepared. Mental preparedness is a whole different matter. Am I mentally prepared to return to the classroom? Can I mentally do all that is required of a teacher? I'm not sure. I don't really care to find out either. I would love to be a virtual teacher, speaking and teaching to students via computer. Never would I need to step foot into a classroom. Everything would exist in this strange virtual world we have created where relationships have the appearance of being normal when the opposite is true. While there is a virtual school in my district, the jobs are really tough to come by which tells me that I'm not the only one who wishes to escape to the world of binary codes where I can exist as a mere stream of zeroes and ones.

Monday, August 1, 2011

This is Harder Than it Looks

In an effort to stay busy, I had several errands to run. I began at 8:30 and here it is 10:45 and I'm all done. My wife stays busy all the time and I'm not quiet sure how she does it. I guess remaining busy, staying active for a whole day is harder than it looks. Some of my errands were fails...I want a new messenger bag for work. I looked online and found one at Target and one at the devil spawned walmart. Of course neither target nor walmart had either bag. I think I'll just check out a local Army surplus store. In the past my bags have all been black and rather professional looking. But the whole professional look, from the clothes to the bag, simply isn't me. I'm much more comfortable with a rather casual look. This school year I must do what I like and not what I think others expect. I have certain clothes because they are of a kind that I think people expect to see me in as a teacher. Not this year. I'm on the hunt for some snap button shirts that I think I can pull off with the pants I already have. Same with the bag. I don't want something nice, I want something I can toss around without fearing that it might look bad. So that's the deal with the whole messenger bag affair. My next failed errand pertains to my posts about the new '57 Silvertone guitar I swapped for yesterday. I want to find six nylon strings. Not three nylons and three wire wrapped. This guitar needs six nylon strings so I went hunting for them. I wen to a local music store and found that they din't carry all nylon strings. Perhaps they don't make all nylon strings anymore. There is another store I want to check out though before I give up. I did, however, manage to drop off my dry cleaning, get a haircut, and purchase black and white t-shirts. I feel guilty for having spent 65.00 because I haven't worked in so long. Yet I must tell myself that the purchases were necessary for work because they were. Enough for now dear reader. I must find some more errands to run or a free place to visit. Perhaps the botanical gardens? Perhaps.