Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Longest Year

This current major episode began September 7, 2010 and has yet to relent. This has been the longest running major episode of my life. This beast has nearly destroyed me over these past months more than once. This beast has brought me closer to the brink of suicide then I have ever been before.

The Doctors,and they are legion, have described this as a non responsive depressive episode. As the name implies, the depression has failed to respond to normal avenues of treatment. New medicines, therapy, etc: have all failed to produce any appreciable changes. I've been hospitalized three times since July of 2010. I've had several rounds of acupuncture, a myriad of med. changes, weekly visits to a therapist, six weeks of intensive out patient treatment and over twenty rounds of electro convulsive therapy. I have not worked since September 7th. I'm a High School English teacher which means I worked one month of the 2010/2011 school year. This depressive episode has cost my family well over $60,000 including all of our savings.

I've stopped the futile hoping that the person I was 10 months ago will ever return. This saddens me deeply. I was beginning to accept and like that incarnation of myself. The sheer destructive power of this episode would be rather impressive if I were an outsider looking in. It has been like a terrible blight that descends on lush farm land and leaves it as barren and lifeless as is the surface of Mars. Forgive, dear reader, the melodrama. I have no other way to properly describe this relentless beast.

I've all but completely withdrawn from the world as it exists beyond my home. I no longer speak to my family. Their calls go to die in my inbox. I no longer acknowledge holidays. I can't recall, much to my therapist's chagrin, those things which I was once so passionate about. I no longer read the news as it is too depressing. I only watch baseball now because I find I can lose myself in the subtle nuances of the game. My hygiene, while slightly improved, is deplorable. I now shower everyday. However, I only manage to shave once a week. Most troubling has been my dental care. Over the course of these ten months I can count on one hand the number of times I've brushed my teeth. My teeth are now sensitive to both heat and cold which I'm sure is a sign of decay. For reasons still unknown to me, this depression has convinced me that I don"t deserve so many things. I don't deserve clean, healthy teeth. I don't deserve to eat well. I don't deserve the love of family. I no longer sleep in a bed because I don't deserve that either.

Reading these things for the first time is terribly sad. I'm going to stop writing now.

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